Going through puberty in the early 2000’s, I was sold a set of lies about what it meant to be a feminist. Feminism was more than just believing women deserved the right to vote, own their own property, and control their own lives rather than being controlled by their father or husband. It meant denying and denouncing everything that made a woman a woman: physical vulnerabilities, emotional sensitivities, maternal instinct, desire for love, and a need for romantic partners to be faithful and loyal.
I was taught to believe a “cool girl” should be fine with porn, not expect commitment from her boyfriend or husband, and seek career over motherhood. Essentially, feminism taught me that being a woman was inferior to being a man, and the only way to live a fulfilled life was to live like a man.
Everything I was taught was wrong.
Porn is not empowering to women and it is detrimental to men.
A woman should not confuse being desired or lusted after as the same as being held in high esteem. Porn turns women into objects to dehumanize, degrade, and destroy. Most sex in porn is violent, and as porn viewers need a stronger hit of dopamine to become aroused, porn users search for more violent and immoral forms of pleasure like bestiality, incest, and pedophilia. It is one of the most addictive drugs. And it devastates relationships between couples by erasing intimacy and emotional bonding in sex.
Feminism has sold women the lie that by getting on stage wearing a thong and pasties as a burlesque dancer, women “take back” control of our bodies and are empowered through our sexuality. But that is false. Being lusted over and objectified holds no power when the men ogling you don’t care about your wellbeing or the person you are. “Respecting” women or giving women power through our sexuality is the opposite of what feminism seems to preach: that women are more than just objects for men to lust after. And women are certainly not empowered while we are being violently choked or slapped during filmed sex, whether real or simulated; women are not empowered through sex work, where our bodies become disposable commodities.
When a man looks at a woman’s body with love as her belly stretches to grow a human being, as that same belly deflates after giving birth to her baby, when her breasts swell with milk and her nipples crust over—that is true adoration. That is respect for what her body is capable of—which is more than just pleasuring him. And when a man finds beauty in her wrinkled smile, her age-spotted hands as she grows old with him—that is true empowerment. Men who love their women still lust after them and find them desirable even when their bodies don’t exist solely for their own pleasure.
Men and women are not the same.
Men are physically stronger than women—although women’s bodies can do things men can never do, like grow a human, give birth, and breastfeed, which takes incredible physical strength and endurance. While men will always be able to use their muscular strength to physically dominate women, women have immense physical strength and power through the creation of another human being. We should acknowledge and celebrate those differences. And rather than expecting women to try to be as physically muscular or athletically superior as men in order to compete with or dominate men, we should expect more from men. Men should use their physical, muscular strength to be valorous and heroic, to take care of women and children and those who are physically smaller, weaker and more vulnerable than them. We should expect men to protect and defend women and children, reward men when they do, and punish men when they don’t.
Our menstrual cycles, pregnancy, and motherhood make us queens, not slaves.
Women are encouraged to take birth control from the moment we get our periods; we are even told we can stop our menstrual cycles all together—that they are unnecessary. But rather than looking at a natural cycle as something that connects us to the moon’s cycles, to nature, to other women in history, we have decided it is not only unnecessary, but also shameful. We women should embrace the differences that make us special. And rather than ending our periods through hormonal medication, we should expect scientists, nutritionists, and doctors to research reasons as to why it might be so painful for some women, and find ways to remedy the extreme pain and discomfort associated with menses. We should celebrate menstruation.
Pregnancy requires endurance, patience, and sacrifice. Yes, women have to give up some things like alcohol and extreme sports. So what? In return, we are given the priceless gift of bringing a child into the world, a child who will love us unconditionally as we love them. Motherhood also requires sacrifice; no longer can you sleep in or spend all your time and money on yourself. But the reward is much greater than the sacrifice.
Our modern individualistic, self-centered, pleasure-centered society has stripped sacrifice of its honor and conflated it with slavery. It is not the same. Nothing worth doing is ever easy and any endeavor worthy of honor and prestige requires sacrifice. Motherhood is no exception. The blessings and rewards a mother reaps throughout her lifetime far exceed the initial sacrifices she makes for her child.
A career will never fulfill you as much as the relationships in your life.
Some women truly do not want to be mothers and some women truly cannot become mothers. Their lives are just as valuable, meaningful, and fulfilled as women who are mothers. But some women are sold a lie that a career will fulfill them more than motherhood and marriage will, and they foolishly give into societal pressure and silence their maternal instincts, only realizing later in life, when it is much too late, that they’ve made a regrettable choice.
A career cannot fulfill a woman or a man the way relationships can, whether it is with children, a spouse, relatives or friends.
Leaving a legacy is not the same as rising through the ranks of a career. You can make great change in the world and your community without even having a career. But in our individualistic, self-centered, narcissistic society, we believe that a career that propels us to the top of the power food chain and makes us stars of our own shows is more valuable and valiant than giving back to our communities. That is false. Some of the strongest leaders in history and greatest change makers made no money from—made no career out of—the work they did to advance society.
And women can be leaders in their own homes. A mother is a natural leader of the family, a person of great power who makes daily choices that affects multiple people’s lives. A mother is more of a powerful leader than a submissive servant.
Marriage frees women, not enslaves women.
We have been taught that marriage means becoming a submissive servant. In reality, marriage is a commitment between two people, a promise that those two people will never again walk alone in life. A husband and wife care for each other, protect each other, and share in all of life’s joys and hardships. It can be an egalitarian relationship in which both partners equally care for each other. Neither a husband nor a wife should dominate the other. Marriage can be freeing; marriage allows two people to take risks in life, to seek adventure, to weather any storm because each person knows they have a partner to hold their hand throughout it all.
Ultimately, Feminism is and has failed. But it can be reborn.
Feminism shouldn’t require women to denounce femininity and live more like men.
Femininity should be celebrated, not shunned; women are fundamentally equal to men, but should not have to behave like or live like men in order to be respected or believe our lives have meaning.
So let’s celebrate our weaker physical differences; require protection from men rather than domination; celebrate our cycles rather than stop them; honor and revere pregnancy and care for pregnant women; encourage and support mothers to focus on mothering, holding it in high esteem; and find beauty and wisdom in the faces of aging women.